Today

Sometimes solitude is best. It might not even feel like you’re alive in those moments but you are.

I’ve entered A sacred space where I’ve even left behind those who know and love me best. There’s an eerie quiet and a knowing call of the soul.

I’m probably getting divorced tomorrow after 4 years of battling it out for children, money, dignity and the right to call oneself a victim. What a thing to fight for: right. I’m trying to be funny – but I ain’t even cracking a lop sided grin.

I’ve gotten better at work. A real good colleague who now participates in CSR. My son shuts the gate behind me as I climb into the car I pay for. What is this life.

I feel like a stranger in an alternate life. Wasn’t I just a harried mom struggling to find company in lonely USA ? Post traumatic stress hits hard when you’re moving heaven and earth to keep normalcy when actually going through a painful experience like a divorce.

I’ve said yes to life so much. Yes to smiling. Yes to trying.. working.. yes to trying on a new shirt.. yes to swiping to find company.. yes to leaning in.. sometimes to just be kissed. All the while my heart ached something fierce. An earnest desire to just give up the quest to be on a roll, and just … die spiritually. Turn up like a zombie and tick the boxes: who cares. But then I didn’t want that for my kid.So I jumped. Played. Travelled. Baked. And dated. What’s more a sign of life than being willing to let another messy human within a hand’s span of your aching self ? These men were each clumsy in their ways but I’m a smart cookie. I learnt to bike with one.. to laugh again with one.. to find confidence.. so much. So much. It’s like sifting through the gunk to find a brick for your building.

The only thing is I’m so frickin tired now from the give and take. And covered in gunk. I want everyone’s hands OFF of me. I want space. Some plans. And time. Lots and lots of time. To celebrate myself. Someone who didn’t die when she had an excuse to. Who kept going when she could’ve given up without anyone blaming her for it. Who kept giving people a second chance. And tries to believe the world still deserves her love and compassion. To… naive, stoic, vulnerable, smart-but-stupid: me. I celebrate you.