I had a man take the right to be a father. From me: when I was not ready yet.
The fact that I beget me my best friend and raisin de etre is merely a chance from heaven.
He – my child’s father – thought he was doing us a favor by providing for us. When I joined in as provider – he harassed me for not handing him my pay check and daring to deposit it into my own account. I had to keep the money because I never knew at what point he was going to carry through on his since-years-threats of divorce or suicide or both. Going into the joint account and emptying it – Like I was legally advised to- isn’t really my style.
Being a father meant … he still didn’t know where the pediatric office was. Considered bathing the child a monumental task and complained to me about having to give up his Sunday me-time to the child.
After a four year legal tussle where he required the child to be unequivocally removed from me and returned to him to the Land of the Free – I sit here writing this having sent a 10 year old to visit San Jose with this estranged ex husband as a part of carefully worded visitation agreement.
I’m both amazed at how it took him a divorce petition from me to remember that he was- after all – a dad. He hadn’t minded getting an expensive new guitar delivered to India, but found it too expensive to fly down to see the child himself. He is weird.
After 5 years of single motherhood (and botched and baked cookies) and struggling to answer prying questions about an absent husband and taking work pressure while trying to keep a mellow home atmosphere for a traumatised young spirit – I learn the hard way that fathering-cum-mothering, is a woman’s job. Atleast, it is this woman’s job. It needs me to alternate between providing and nurturing in a flash. To go from roguish carefree laughter to gentle hugs. To recognize when he wants a friend to when he needs a mum.
So… what do I want ? Apart from cheesy pizza that won’t fatten my hips … and an endless supply of sweet smelling high-thread count sheets, I want a man who ‘gets’ me and my life. Who is well-read. Who is kind and has enough ability to take care of himself. And importantly- doesn’t think just because I have a great ass I ‘should’ have his children because I make good ones.
At what point should I trade my fertility for companionship ? Because that seems to be the expected trade off for Indian men. Men who claim to have studied at the highest institutions.. who claim to be among the crème de la crème as airline pilots… men who simply don’t have the gumption to take psychiatric pills when they need it : they all uniformly think that it’s their goddamn right to be a father once they have me on the line.
Why does NOONE tell me about what they bring to the table ? How, if in any way, are they going to make my life better other than fill the empty spot of ‘Husband’ who demands chai at any time of day. What, are they going to do, to deserve my ruining my plans to get to a healthy body weight ? What kind of fathers do they want to be ? Why, do they want to be a father ? Have they had a pet ? Have they cared for younger siblings ?
Are they prepared to pay for my upkeep and my son’s upkeep while a create another human ?
So here’s my question to them: will they be prepared to take a year off from work to help me with postpartum depression, weight loss and other health issues that can ensue with pregnancy ? Will they handle the sleepless nights and the constant worry that your baby could die because you fucked something up ? So that while they worry about how to keep this new human – who didn’t ask to be born – alive, I can still be the ‘mother who does it all’ and return to work so he doesn’t have to pay my son’s school tuition fees ?
Because, baby. I’ve worked too damn hard to get to where I’m at. Began a career at 32. Dealt with workplace harassment and a legal battle to just get the right to work peacefully. I ain’t sacrificing that at the altar of marriage unless.. a man is willing to acknowledge that his expectation to be a father is entitled and rather presumptuous : in which case there is a tempting case to consider.
